Jealousy is an emotion that most of us have felt, whether in monogamous or non-monogamous relationships. In a recent episode of Head South Radio titled Exploring Desires and Empowerment in Intimacy, intimacy coach Rena Martine shared her insights on how to handle jealousy in relationships. Drawing from her advice, along with thoughts from experts like Esther Perel and research by The Gottman Institute, this post will explore how jealousy shows up in different relationship styles and how to address it with care.
Understanding Jealousy in Monogamy and Nonmonogamy
Many people see jealousy as a sign of weakness or insecurity, but as Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, points out, "Jealousy is a window into desire, revealing the things we long for and sometimes feel insecure about." It's a common emotion that often shows us where we need better communication.
In monogamous relationships, jealousy often stems from fears of losing a partner's love or attention. The Gottman Institute notes that jealousy and conflict over boundaries are key predictors of relationship dissatisfaction, especially when partners aren’t clear with each other about what feels safe or acceptable. It might be about how much time a partner spends with someone else or how they interact with people on social media.Â
For those in non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships, jealousy can still show up, but it’s often handled in different ways. Rena Martine explained that in open relationships, where the idea is to normalize multiple connections, jealousy still exists. But here, the focus is on how partners manage it, often using tools like compersion (finding joy in your partner's happiness with others) and deep, honest communication. Research shows that jealousy is just as common in non-monogamous relationships, but how it's handled tends to be different.
Getting to the Root of Jealousy
One of the most important things to understand is that jealousy is rarely about the specific situation in front of you. As Martine highlighted in our conversation, jealousy is often tied to deeper feelings of insecurity or unmet emotional needs. For example, if you're feeling jealous because your partner is spending more time with someone else, ask yourself: “Is this really about the other person, or is it about how secure I feel in this relationship?”
Research published in The Journal of Sex Research shows that jealousy is more likely when people feel uncertain about the future of their relationship or when they have lower self-esteem. In both monogamous and non-monogamous setups, addressing those internal feelings can make a big difference.
5 Tips for Handling Jealousy and Talking to Your Partner
Jealousy doesn't have to become a destructive force. It’s an opportunity to strengthen your relationship, but this requires open and compassionate communication. Here are some steps you can take:
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Recognize Your Feelings
The first step is not to judge yourself for feeling jealous. Esther Perel says, "Jealousy is a messenger," letting you know that something needs attention in your relationship. Recognizing this can shift your perspective and allow you to approach it with curiosity instead of shame.
- Calmly Start the Conversation
Once you’ve had some time to understand your feelings, talk to your partner in a calm way. Rena Martine suggests avoiding blame, which can make your partner defensive. Instead of saying, “You’re always choosing other people over me,” try, “I feel insecure when I see you spending time with others because I worry about losing our connection.” This approach aligns with advice from The Gottman Institute, which encourages starting tough conversations gently to avoid escalation.
- Listen to Your Partner’s Concerns
If your partner is the one feeling jealous, it’s important to listen to them without getting defensive. Jealousy often comes from vulnerability, and shutting them down could deepen the emotional gap. Make sure to validate their feelings even if you don’t agree with their perspective. You can say something like, “It sounds like you’re feeling uncertain because I’ve been busy with work lately, is that right?” This shows that you’re trying to understand their feelings.
- Clarify Boundaries Together
One of the major sources of jealousy is when boundaries in a relationship aren’t clear or when they change without both partners being on the same page. Whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, checking in regularly about what feels comfortable can make a huge difference. A 2022 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that couples who discuss boundaries openly report less jealousy and greater satisfaction in their relationships.
- Be Compassionate and Reflect
If you’re the one feeling jealous, avoid immediately putting the responsibility on your partner. Take time to reflect on where those feelings are coming from. Is it something from your past, or is it an unmet need in the current relationship? Both Esther Perel and Rena Martine emphasize the importance of practicing self-compassion when navigating jealousy. You don’t have to feel ashamed of being jealous, but it’s important to manage it in a way that leads to deeper connection.
Jealousy is a normal part of relationships, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, jealousy is a signal that something might need attention. As Rena Martine shared on Head South Radio, "Jealousy is not an enemy; it’s a guide pointing you toward what you need in your relationship."
Instead of reacting quickly when jealousy comes up, pause and reflect. Then, talk openly with your partner. By doing this, you can use jealousy as an opportunity to strengthen your bond and find deeper trust in your relationship.
🎧 Listen to Head South Radio:
Episode 55: Exploring Desires and Empowerment in Intimacy with Rena MartineÂ
Spotify | Apple Podcasts | Youtube
🤓 Read:
The Gottman Institute, Research on Conflict and Jealousy in Relationships
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
Rena Martine, The Sex You WantÂ
Debunking Myths About Non-Monogamy
What It's Really Like to Work with an Intimacy Coach
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